Love What You Love

"Drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are."
                         -Wake Me Up When September Ends, Green Day


Pain is such a weird thing. It sucks, it really does. But it's also super helpful.

We all have our dark days. We really do. Some last longer than others, but we all have our days where we are just down and out. We stop being present to where we are. We just want things to end, in whatever matter that means to you. Stress can get the best of us. It makes us break at our knees, crumble at our hearts. The people that love us become our enemies. We become our own enemies. You don't get that feeling of completely fulfilled happiness; the feeling eluding you. And then something comes along to make our dark day darker.

It sucks.

However, it is how we handle those dark days that make us become who we are. They allow us to grow as a person, shaping our life. I know this to be true in both my own case, and in others as well. We can dabble in the melancholy or get stuck there for impenetrable years. This is what defines us as us. This is who we are.

Think back to your most trialing situation. Think to when it was over. Think of that relief. Think of who you were after it was over. What scars were left? What imprints were ingrained on your heart and mind? WHERE were you in your life's journey?

Now.

Imagine you never experienced that event. You never met that person who hurt you. How would you be different? How would your journey have changed?


There is always a story to be told.

I have my own story. I've had people hurt me. I've had people help me up when I'm down. I've also pushed those people away. But, when I personally think back to that time, and to where I am now, I see that is was absolutely crucial in me becoming who I am today and to loving my true self. I unlocked my passion for music. Unearthed my inclination toward art. I grew up. I became who I always was and always will be: myself.

But, y'know, when I'm in my dark day phases, it SUCKS. It's like I never know when it will end sometimes, even IF it will end.

I feel like I don't know where I'm going in my life. I feel like I'm a lost little puppy sitting out in the rain. I feel like I'm living in a play that I want no part of. The pressures from outside start creeping in and I start to drown. But then. Then I just think. I honestly just shut down to the world and think:

Who am I?
Where is my heart at?
What am I doing?
What's changed?
What do I want?

And then, things go back in motion. I start to do the things that make me happy again, not what I'm told I should be doing. I don't know how I lose step with what I love, but it happens.

I'm musician. A writer. A dancer. An artist. An athlete. A reader. A person. I am me.

But then I go a week without playing music, or I'll stop feeling the love I have. I don't write. I don't dance. I don't draw. I don't skateboard. I don't read.

I stop being me.

And, I've noticed, that is the trend. Once I stop doing the things that make me, me, I stop being happy. I stop being fulfilled. I just stop being.

So, I pick up at it again. I do those things. I become present to the presence of myself.

Up until, oh I don't know, maybe two hours ago,  I was in my dark day phase. I've been late to school, I didn't do my work, I did poorly on two English tests. (English is a class I never get lower than a 95 on anything, so getting an 85 and 86 kind of crushed me.) I'm nearly failing math. I haven't been joking around. I've been distant. I found that every thing that every person did ticked me off. I was just annoyed at life. And more than anything, I've been completely out of it. That is NOT who I am.

So then I played some music today.
I wrote some.
I drew some.
I sang some.
I read some.

And now I feel again. I'm present to my surroundings and I'm just me again.

I feel happily fulfilled.

The nest time your down and out, please, try thinking about what you HAVEN'T be doing. Forget about what you should be doing. Do what you love, love what you do, and everything else will fall into place.

Happily yours,
Courtney.

Temporarily Constant Change

I think the reason I like winter so much is because of the fact that it's temporary. I really love December. There are lights everywhere. There is snow everywhere (usually, but New York winters can be quite random, as demonstrated by this past winter). People seem to be a little happier, a little more grateful, a little more generous. Football is getting down to the nitty gritty, being that playoffs start only a month over. The pace is slowed. It's like the world goes into hibernation. The majority of the population really reflects on their past year. They think about who they are, who they aren't, and who they are to become. Or maybe that's just me. It's like a turning point. It's that cycle coming full circle. Everything that was vibrant and thriving is now dull and halted. It's like time takes a moment to pause and is saying "Wow. I'm here right now." And I love seeing things like this:
                            

And this:

It's very inviting. And warm. And comforting.
I like it.

But, if the whole year was like this, I don't believe I'd enjoy it. The fact that it is only here for a short period of time makes me absorb every last second of it; not taking a moment for granted. I would come into the mentality that most of us have with life, "Oh, I can do that tomorrow, I have plenty of time." Soon enough, we won't have enough time. That's why I like the seasons, especially winter, they remind us to stay present, that time comes quick and things change.

Today marks the beginning of April. This marks the beginning of Jason Mraz's new album coming out (the 17th!) and it also starts the beginning of my new year. I will be turning 16 later this month. That means I will be receiving my permit. I will be learning to drive. That is the official step into adulthood, in my opinion; finally getting behind that coveted wheel. I only have 4 years of being a "teenager" left. I'm not taking that for granted. I will forever be a kid.

Growing up goes slow (if you let it),
Courtyy

Believe in Beginning.

You know, just make music, art, words, life. No time restraints. Just making beautiful masterpieces of thought, life, and love. I'm always afraid to star my drawings, or go to the next level because I always feel like I'll screw it up. But then I start. And I don't ever stop.

I haven’t written in a while.

I have a copious amount of sweet sayings.

But they aren’t together.

I just need to write.

And sing.

And dance.

And steal things.

Or not, being that I wish to be originally creative and all. But alas, we as humans steal everything that we do. 

I don’t know, man. Well, I do. I know who I am, but I want to find myself. I’m constantly changing. I know who I am right now. I don’t know who I’ll be tomorrow. We wake up each day different. There I go, stealing words. But words are meant to be stolen, aren't they? I think so. What if I just looked inside myself and found who I am to be; the person I will be in the future. The person after me. Me as me, just an adult me. Who is that to be? Rhyme, rhyme. Do statements lose their significance in a rhyme? Maybe thought to be too pre planned, or only to be used as a one time stand? Oh, there is another one. No, I’m not really trying at all. This is all flowing from my interwoven brain complexes of inhaled thought. This thought has not yet been exhaled. Hello partially exhaled thought. It is nice to meet you. 

I feel like I’m beginning to lose me, while at the same time remembering who I am and all that I stand for. I am a kid that happened upon living in my own malleable reality. I play music. I make art. I furnish words. I be me.

That in it’s greatest sense.

I am that I am and I am that I’m not and that is enough.