"Drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are."
-Wake Me Up When September Ends, Green Day
Pain is such a weird thing. It sucks, it really does. But it's also super helpful.
We all have our dark days. We really do. Some last longer than others, but we all have our days where we are just down and out. We stop being present to where we are. We just want things to end, in whatever matter that means to you. Stress can get the best of us. It makes us break at our knees, crumble at our hearts. The people that love us become our enemies. We become our own enemies. You don't get that feeling of completely fulfilled happiness; the feeling eluding you. And then something comes along to make our dark day darker.
It sucks.
However, it is how we handle those dark days that make us become who we are. They allow us to grow as a person, shaping our life. I know this to be true in both my own case, and in others as well. We can dabble in the melancholy or get stuck there for impenetrable years. This is what defines us as us. This is who we are.
Think back to your most trialing situation. Think to when it was over. Think of that relief. Think of who you were after it was over. What scars were left? What imprints were ingrained on your heart and mind? WHERE were you in your life's journey?
Now.
Imagine you never experienced that event. You never met that person who hurt you. How would you be different? How would your journey have changed?
There is always a story to be told.
I have my own story. I've had people hurt me. I've had people help me up when I'm down. I've also pushed those people away. But, when I personally think back to that time, and to where I am now, I see that is was absolutely crucial in me becoming who I am today and to loving my true self. I unlocked my passion for music. Unearthed my inclination toward art. I grew up. I became who I always was and always will be: myself.
But, y'know, when I'm in my dark day phases, it SUCKS. It's like I never know when it will end sometimes, even IF it will end.
I feel like I don't know where I'm going in my life. I feel like I'm a lost little puppy sitting out in the rain. I feel like I'm living in a play that I want no part of. The pressures from outside start creeping in and I start to drown. But then. Then I just think. I honestly just shut down to the world and think:
Who am I?
Where is my heart at?
What am I doing?
What's changed?
What do I want?
And then, things go back in motion. I start to do the things that make me happy again, not what I'm told I should be doing. I don't know how I lose step with what I love, but it happens.
I'm musician. A writer. A dancer. An artist. An athlete. A reader. A person. I am me.
But then I go a week without playing music, or I'll stop feeling the love I have. I don't write. I don't dance. I don't draw. I don't skateboard. I don't read.
I stop being me.
And, I've noticed, that is the trend. Once I stop doing the things that make me, me, I stop being happy. I stop being fulfilled. I just stop being.
So, I pick up at it again. I do those things. I become present to the presence of myself.
Up until, oh I don't know, maybe two hours ago, I was in my dark day phase. I've been late to school, I didn't do my work, I did poorly on two English tests. (English is a class I never get lower than a 95 on anything, so getting an 85 and 86 kind of crushed me.) I'm nearly failing math. I haven't been joking around. I've been distant. I found that every thing that every person did ticked me off. I was just annoyed at life. And more than anything, I've been completely out of it. That is NOT who I am.
So then I played some music today.
I wrote some.
I drew some.
I sang some.
I read some.
And now I feel again. I'm present to my surroundings and I'm just me again.
I feel happily fulfilled.
The nest time your down and out, please, try thinking about what you HAVEN'T be doing. Forget about what you should be doing. Do what you love, love what you do, and everything else will fall into place.
Happily yours,
Courtney.
-Wake Me Up When September Ends, Green Day
Pain is such a weird thing. It sucks, it really does. But it's also super helpful.
We all have our dark days. We really do. Some last longer than others, but we all have our days where we are just down and out. We stop being present to where we are. We just want things to end, in whatever matter that means to you. Stress can get the best of us. It makes us break at our knees, crumble at our hearts. The people that love us become our enemies. We become our own enemies. You don't get that feeling of completely fulfilled happiness; the feeling eluding you. And then something comes along to make our dark day darker.
It sucks.
However, it is how we handle those dark days that make us become who we are. They allow us to grow as a person, shaping our life. I know this to be true in both my own case, and in others as well. We can dabble in the melancholy or get stuck there for impenetrable years. This is what defines us as us. This is who we are.
Think back to your most trialing situation. Think to when it was over. Think of that relief. Think of who you were after it was over. What scars were left? What imprints were ingrained on your heart and mind? WHERE were you in your life's journey?
Now.
Imagine you never experienced that event. You never met that person who hurt you. How would you be different? How would your journey have changed?
There is always a story to be told.
I have my own story. I've had people hurt me. I've had people help me up when I'm down. I've also pushed those people away. But, when I personally think back to that time, and to where I am now, I see that is was absolutely crucial in me becoming who I am today and to loving my true self. I unlocked my passion for music. Unearthed my inclination toward art. I grew up. I became who I always was and always will be: myself.
But, y'know, when I'm in my dark day phases, it SUCKS. It's like I never know when it will end sometimes, even IF it will end.
I feel like I don't know where I'm going in my life. I feel like I'm a lost little puppy sitting out in the rain. I feel like I'm living in a play that I want no part of. The pressures from outside start creeping in and I start to drown. But then. Then I just think. I honestly just shut down to the world and think:
Who am I?
Where is my heart at?
What am I doing?
What's changed?
What do I want?
And then, things go back in motion. I start to do the things that make me happy again, not what I'm told I should be doing. I don't know how I lose step with what I love, but it happens.
I'm musician. A writer. A dancer. An artist. An athlete. A reader. A person. I am me.
But then I go a week without playing music, or I'll stop feeling the love I have. I don't write. I don't dance. I don't draw. I don't skateboard. I don't read.
I stop being me.
And, I've noticed, that is the trend. Once I stop doing the things that make me, me, I stop being happy. I stop being fulfilled. I just stop being.
So, I pick up at it again. I do those things. I become present to the presence of myself.
Up until, oh I don't know, maybe two hours ago, I was in my dark day phase. I've been late to school, I didn't do my work, I did poorly on two English tests. (English is a class I never get lower than a 95 on anything, so getting an 85 and 86 kind of crushed me.) I'm nearly failing math. I haven't been joking around. I've been distant. I found that every thing that every person did ticked me off. I was just annoyed at life. And more than anything, I've been completely out of it. That is NOT who I am.
So then I played some music today.
I wrote some.
I drew some.
I sang some.
I read some.
And now I feel again. I'm present to my surroundings and I'm just me again.
I feel happily fulfilled.
The nest time your down and out, please, try thinking about what you HAVEN'T be doing. Forget about what you should be doing. Do what you love, love what you do, and everything else will fall into place.
Happily yours,
Courtney.
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